So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
