I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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