My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
