Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
