Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
