After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
