Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
