I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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