She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
