I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
this beer tastes like vomit already
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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