i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
