I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
