Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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