Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
