I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
