we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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