drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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