since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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