Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
