Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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