Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
