I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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