and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
