i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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