Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
