I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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