happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
