On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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