I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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