I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
And my parents said I crawled through the house
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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