If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
