life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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