yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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