he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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