I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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