Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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