I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
