does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
After last night, I could never be a politician.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
