I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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