As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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