I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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