How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
