I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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