i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize