Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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