She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize