So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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