Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
