One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
