in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
