dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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