I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
