in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
