I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
