Four minutes until I can fart!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
